MimiTanner.com

www.MimiTanner.com Author of Hard To Get, Calling Men, and much more

Have you checked out my guestbook? There are dozens of
comments on the word "COUGAR."

What A Younger Man Should Never Say to an 'Older Woman'
- by Mimi Tanner

Just the other day, while driving in Houston, Texas, I noticed a bumper sticker in front of me that said "The University of Houston COUGARS" in big letters.

COUGARS - I have taken my share of classes at UH over the years before and after I graduated from UNO, so it's not like I didn't know the name...

But the word *COUGARS* jumped out at me. I wonder why??? Then I started laughing to myself because the first thing that came into my mind was not college sports - since the word COUGAR has taken on a whole new meaning.

If you're reading this, you could be any age. I hear from all ages of people! It just so happens that I qualify age-wise for what is "laughingly known as"* a "Cougar."

So what's the problem...? I just don't like that word!!! And there's more... read on...

I have a friend and reader who may have been the first to coin the phrase "Cougarlicious" and yes, that is definitely cute!!

But what comes to my mind when I hear that word "Cougar" is something else - my mind starts wandering because that word is NOT a word that I would ever want to hear ANY man say to me. So my mind starts traveling - and here's how it goes:

I can just imagine a great evening. Everything could be going just fine. I could be spending time with some man who is 15 years younger than me, which certainly wouldn't ruin my day, and while I wouldn't expect to become the future mother of his children, I wouldn't expect the age thing to be the #1 focus, either!

So if the poor man actually referred to me as a COUGAR, well - that would just be like walking on a land mine.

All romantic atmosphere would be GONE instantly; I would stop and say "GAME OVER" or "Go home, Sonny" - or maybe I would just spell it out for him and say, "That word is the biggest turn-off you could have possibly said!!"

Why is that? It's because it focuses completely on the AGE - and in a way that may make a woman feel trivialized at best - and extremely turned off at worst!!

Why does the term "older woman" sound romantic and mysterious, when "Cougar" sounds just YUKKKK?????

I pity the poor guy who ever dares call me that, oh my gosh. And I am sure that other women feel the same way!!

There are just SOME words that people can take, and some they can't. There are some topics that are sensitive, and some that are not.

Guys, if you date any woman who is 45 or older (I think that is about where the Cougar line starts...) - don't take any chances by using that word "Cougar" unless you KNOW that she just LOVES that word.

Maybe some women would take it as a compliment. MOST "older women" would rather hear "Wow, you look like you're in your thirties!"

TRUST ME. That is what they would rather hear!! Say that or say nothing at all about the AGE thing, guys...

"Older Woman." THAT is much better. Guys, if you must use ANY phrase that refers to age (probably a very bad idea when you're with a woman who is 45 or more) then stick to that phrase - it's the one we Cougars grew up with, okay?? Have a heart, good grief.

(If you quote Ben Franklin, prepare to be shot - didn't he say that older women are GRATEFUL?? That almost cancelled out all the rest of the great things he did, trust ME!)

Poor guys, they probably feel like they have to walk on eggshells about everything they say. But it's not so difficult to make any woman feel good about herself!

Women (of any age) like passion. They want to feel that a man's attention is riveted on THEM. They want to feel that he GETS them. They want him to be like the men who never notice that their wife looks different than she did ten or more years ago!

And when it comes to LOVE, believe me, age has no bearing on the way the heart
works! True love, flirting, passion - that keeps all of us in our teens and twenties in our minds and hearts.

Any comments on the word "Cougar"? I'd love for you to share your comments in the guestbook right now.

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Hard to Get - Your Personal Guidebook on How to
Play the Game of Love!"
http://www.hardtoget.com

* "Laughingly known as" is a favorite phrase from a favorite play, "Black Comedy" by Peter Schaffer

What Women Think About the Word "COUGAR"

(Quoted from the guestbook)

A woman writes: I am dating a man 18 years younger. I have a young soul, and he has an old soul. It's a good match so far. I don't appreciate the "cougar" label.

My response: You make a great point. That was how I felt in my own situation with marriage to someone 9 years younger. One reason it worked well was because at the time, he was the more "mature" or down-to-earth one in general. Also the character thing is the most important factor that far over-rides age. I'm taking him to lunch tomorrow for his birthday.

Guys are reading this and I hope they'll notice that the majority of women say they find this off-handed label very offensive for LOTS of reasons.

Any guy would be crazy to distance himself on purpose from an older woman who might otherwise be not only interested but well worth his while.

There is no substitute for chemistry so it has to be there. But age is not the factor it used to be, so relationships between men and women who are 18 years apart are not uncommon any more, as you can see from reading these posts. THANKS to the women who shared about this.

When this subject comes up, I hear a lot of FEARS from women on this - fear of getting hurt, and fear of getting left because the man will want children.

IMO you have to learn how to read people. That takes time but eventually you see patterns. I find that over and over again, my initial instincts come back to me as dead-on even when I give someone the benefit of the doubt. (This happens with men and with women friends both.)

Take your time and trust your gut. And if you feel your emotions are taking over, then you need an out-of-town weekend!

The trouble with the word "Cougar" is that it is an offhand, disrespectful, demeaning, trivializing label that means exactly what the posters here have said so well. It's a bad joke and put-down for a woman who is with a man who is younger - period. Not much good can come of a label like that except to cause hurt or embarrassment.

The only times it seems nice or cute is when it's from those who mention that their kids call them that affectionately - now then it's a compliment. And in SOME cases, a man can manage to express this as a high compliment - but generally - the word Cougar is not being used in these ways.

Call a woman a Cougar and you may well "unleash the cougar" (a woman shared that phrase here), if she's not already unleashed! Look out...

Readers Write In about Chick Flicks

Not long ago, I sent an email out (my column titled "With Love, Mimi Tanner") and it was all about "chick flicks." I use the term endearingly, of course. Here are some of the responses I've received... there are a LOT and I have really and truly enjoyed these responses. I'm glad I wrote about this even though, trust me, it was not easy to admit how much these movies can affect me.

Personally I have been taking stock, and I think that I need to see one movie every single day in order to stay sane and not get my mind on things it shouldn't be on. Of course one has to be really careful these days just what movie one sees. And if you are a parent, the chances of seeing a movie without being interrupted (if you're home) are slim unless you time it right. That also goes if you're a pet owner. Okay, here are the comments (please bear with me that I can't do all editing that may be needed because just posting these is not as simple as cut and paste unfortunately - it takes a lot of time):

Hi Mimi,

I have a tremendous love for 'chick flicks' too and yes I think they affect me ridiculously. Lol! I'm a sucker for good romance.

The last one I saw that was nothing short of amazing was A Walk to Remember which comes in both book and dvd by Nicholas Sparks. Not forgetting another called Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks again. Absolutely touching and beautiful stories that made me believe once again that true love was possible.

God has finally sent me my true love and I hope to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man. To everyone else, don't give up but trust God and it will happen for you too.

Regards
Shelly

From Mimi: Thank you, Shelly, and you inspired people here with your words.

I agree with you and many others who mentioned "A Walk To Remember" and I adore that movie for so many reasons. For any teens reading this, you have GOT to see this one ASAP! I have a YouTube clip down below on this page of a scene from this movie.

Thanks for sharing, Mimi. I really DO enjoy, and learn from, your emails!

Meryl Streep has always been my favorite actress so I will be sure to watch that movie, maybe this Friday!

Sincerely,
Marguerite

From Mimi: I think she's the greatest, too. And she's had a long, successful marriage. I love her in everything from "Kramer vs. Kramer" to "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Doubt."

Hi Mimi,

What a great e-mail!! Yes, at the ripe old age of 39 I find myself blown away by a good ol' chick flick once in a while too.

Two movies have really blown me away recently:

1) "Love Actually" (love, love, love it) It shows love in its various forms, bitter, sweet, sillly, wonderful.... happy, sad.... It's a gorgeous film. And incidentally, made by the same director of "Four Weddings & a Funeral".... there are so many scenes in it that are amazing, I can't even begin to tell you the story (stories). If you haven't seen it RUN to the store and buy it!!!!! Any time I happen to mention I love that film and there's a woman in the room.. we take off on a 10 minute tangent recounting which parts we loved best.

2) "Anna and the King" - OMG! Though this movie is already 10 years old, I had never seen it (it didn't get good reviews.... unbelievable). I happened to see it the other evening on TV and ran out the next day to buy the DVD. I loved it dubbed in Italian, and couldn't believe how amazing it was in the original language. I was BLOWN away! The last scene of that film is probably the most romantic scene I have EVER seen. SO touching!!! Gorgeous. It shows how a woman who is true to herself and not ashamed of her strength is always irresistible to any man worth his salt (as Bob Grant teaches) and that true love is based on so much more than mere physical attraction (which is also, very powerfully there, but is not the core of the relationship). It also shows how amazing a truly manly man (in the real sense of the word) can be... *sigh*.

Voil�, my two cents! Part of me hopes that you haven't seen either film, so that you will go out, rent/buy them and then tell me that they're the best chick-flicks you've ever seen ;-)

Enjoy!

Greetings from Rome, Italy

From Mimi: Thanks! I have only seen parts of "Love Actually" and haven't seen "Anna..." I will check them out!

Dear Mimi,

Yes, I do find them inspiring. One of my favorites that I watch over and over is While You Were Sleeping. Though not a heart wrenching tear jerker it's moving in a light hearted way. A plus for me is Bill Pullman not a sophisticated leading man but more my speed. Though I still love watching Cary Grant he's been my favorite since childhood.

Glad you had a wonderful Birthday.

Be well!

Ellen

From Mimi: Thanks, Ellen, you are so nice as always!! Oh gosh, Bill Pullman, I adore him. I haven't seen all of his movies but all the ones I have seen are so good. Too bad he's taken lol. "Youuu Betterrr Runnn!!!" He can be funny or touching or whatever is required.

Here's another GREAT chick flick with Jodie Foster, Richard Gere (he's the greatest), and Bill Pullman that is just fantastic: "Sommersby."

"Bridges over Madison county" did it for me when it comes to love stories, I still picture Meryl and Clint in the kitchen...and my heart starts to beat faster and I feel like I am breathless. The chemistry was intoxicating....I have been lucky to have had this kind of chemistry (although I was not married at the time), and still seek it at age 54. Age is irrelevant when it comes to love and
chemistry... I know it is still possible.....single and keeping an eye out for someone to "Rock my core"

From Mimi: I like this one too, but wanted to like it more than I did. But boy do I wish I had written the book. That is the kind of book I hope to write someday. I think they were both perfectly cast here. I wanted her to get out of that truck though. Gosh.

Mimi,

Happy Belated Birthday! OMG I love your emails. They are getting me through the most difficult break-up because I'm left a single mom to a 10 month old (now one). I watched "Nights at Rodanthe" over the weekend. What an awesome love story! The movie begins with every woman's dream the ex coming back to say I want to come home, I made a mistake. She makes the decision to shake him off and continue on her journey to Rodanthe where she meets a man. She helps the man and he says the words that of course again you wish your ex would say, "Any man who walks away from you has to be a fool," (paraphrased of course). They go off on their separate ways, he sends her the most beautiful love letters only to find that when they finally are going to meet he ......

From Mimi: I just saw that one too finally.

3 Actresses Who Should Have Been Superstars Sooner:

1. Diane Lane. I know she was famous as a little girl in "A Little Romance." But she should have gone on to be a major presence in films in her 20's and from then on. Yet it seemed to take 20 years or so before she started getting the great roles.

2. Kim Basinger. She appeared in "Charlie's Angels" (the old series) when she was a very young woman. I caught that episode (I didn't watch the show regularly) and thought, "WOW, that girl is going to be a star." But it didn't happen for like 2 decades. Good grief.

3. Jane Kaczmarek. She's in one of the movies we're talking about, "Falling in Love." She is fantastic in that movie. She's so adorable. That movie is from 1984 - why did it take so long for HER to really get the fame she deserved? Yes, she has been acting for years, but to my knowledge, it took a tv series for her to become really well known. She's terrific. I hope she gets a lot more starring roles; she deserves them.

HI Mimi - Happy belated Birthday wishes to you.

A great movie : FRENCH KISS with Meg Ryan, Kevin Kline & Timothy Hutton. Meg loses her fianc� (Timothy) to a Frenchwoman, so she books a flight to Paris to get him back, even though she's afraid of flying. On the flight she sits next to Kevin Kline, a Frenchman who helps Meg get thru her flying fear & then gives her lessons on how a Frenchwoman would act & speak in this situation. When she uses this advise, her ex-fianc� (Timothy) sees her in a new light & is newly intrigued with her, temporarily forgetting about the French babe he left her for. At the same time, Kevin falls for her too. Some lessons don't show him how much you miss him or how you're falling apart; show him you can get along without him & how you're attracted to & are attracted by other men. The dialog is great & fits right in the lessons of your newsletter - watch it sometime (uncut & without commercials to get the full effect).

Thanks for your daily newsletter - it gives me something to look forward to every day. I've been married for 21 years, but I still find info in your newsletter that I can use at home. Thanks, & have a great day, JR

From Mimi: Thanks! I will check this one out!

Hi Mimi,

Thanks for sending this email out! I agree that chick flicks can touch you like no other story can.

I have 2 favorites that I watch at least once or twice a year when I need a chick flick night or weekend, usually all by myself.

First is (also) Falling in Love.....It apparently didn't have too many great reviews or was a big blockbuster, but no matter how many times I watch it (and can recite every line), it always touches me and cheers me up. The two couples would have probably wound up living out their lives just as they were....and I always wonder how those marriages would have played out. They obviously loved their spouse/children, but like you said, this movie is "dangerous." It shows how easily an affair can be sparked when you are seemingly happily married. When there is something deep down inside of you that is yearning and you can't quite put your finger on it, someone can come along that can really fill that empty space. I know, I've been there, and always "Falling in Love" was running in the background of my imagination! However, for those of us who don't have a happy ending and finally wind up with the one they seemed "right" for, it's a little sad too.

Second favorite is "Shirley Valentine" -- a British comedy about a woman who tires of being the housewife and winds up talking to the "wall." But she bravely goes on vacation and emerges a butterfly. The ending is perfect, sitting on the edge of the sea, and knowing that her life will never be the same again because she's finally found the woman inside herself that she always wanted to be.

Why aren't there "chick flick" festivals anywhere? Maybe we should start one?

Thanks!
Jill

From Mimi: It's nice to hear from someone else who adores that movie "Falling in Love" as I do. That movie does have an all-star cast, by the way! For those who don't know the movie, it stars Robert De Niro, Meryl Streep, Harvey Keitel, Dianne Wiest, Jane Kaczmarek, David Clennon (love him too, and he was great on "30-Something" and "Being There"), and even Jesse Bradford plays a little child... but be warned, this is a Chick Flick to end them all.

I said it's dangerous; I found the antidote also. If this movie makes you want to leave your marriage or break up someone else's, here is a sure cure: this movie is from Sweden and with subtitles - it's "Heaven's Heart." This is one very powerful movie about the effects and the risks of infidelity. And so by the way is "Unfaithful" with Diane Lane and Richard Gere... both are well worth seeing to say the least!!

Back to "Falling in Love" - That was, I think, the 2nd time that Streep and De Niro played love interests. The first time was in "The Deer Hunter." It is very nice to see Robert De Niro in the romantic roles for a change. He also did a great romantic role with Jane Fonda in "Stanley and Iris." He's a living legend, no one can quarrel with that.

Falling in Love" - it has my highest "ruin your life, wrench your heart" recommendation. Irresistible. Be sure to see the antidotes recommended before you ruin your life or someone else's - be very, very sure you know what you're doing! SIGH.

Mimi,

I also love a good chick flick. I liked all the movies you mentioned but have yet to see The Notebook. I'll see it. I think most of the good chick flicks are the older ones, not current ones. The current ones mostly seem derivative, copies of earlier films done better, with better writing and more depth of character. There are exceptions of course.

I would suggest you watch FANNY, a very romantic movie from 1961. Also TRULY MADLY DEEPLY. About a woman who can't get over her love who died, and so he comes back as a ghost. And for some good laughs, PILLOW TALK. About battle of the sexes, really well done with Doris Day and Rock Hudson. TWO FOR THE ROAD is a good one about the ups and downs of marriage. Those are just my first few....there will be more later!

-- "Connie"

From Mimi: Funny you mention it, when I was growing up, I did see "Fanny" on TV. I always remembered it too. Just recently I ran across it again and it was exactly as I remembered it. I also saw "Two For the Road" in reruns while growing up and was very impressed with it. I got it on DVD and it's great, but even better if one can go back in time to the '60s and see it from that vantage point. Audrey is (was) the ultimate charming woman, we all know that. Her charm is unequalled. The lines from "Two for the Road" stay with one forever. And of course William Daniels and Eleanor Bron were absolutely hysterical.

Chick flicks - The Women (1939) is classic!
Anything based on a Jane Austen novel
Steel Magnolias
Enchanted April
A Room with a View

sigh.... sigh some more, ladies, sigh some more... ahhhhhhh

From Mimi: You said it!! People, if you have never seen "Steel Magnolias," then by all means, it's a delight.

Two of my favorites are "Sense and Sensibility" and "Emma."

"The Women" - "This is Mrs. Stephen Haines." I love it.

There was one about a couple of gay guys in New York...

Can't remember the name... Where the one says to the other in sign language
"NOT ENOUGH!"

ANd that's been a guide (when I remember)- not to be with guys who don't
love me enough... even if they're lovely!

xox

From Mimi: You've got me wondering what the name is! : )

Here is a group of shorter comments:

-- I, as you, enjoy chick flicks. It helps to restore you faith that true love does exist. I truly love the Notebook. It was such a wonderful story. There is another movie if you have not seen yet is worth renting and seeing. It is called NIghts in Rodanthe. The ending is sad but the story line is great.

-- original sin is a great movie with angelina jolie.

-- I loved "50 First Dates"

-- My favorite Chick Flick was "The Mirror has Two Faces". It spoke volumes to me about how guys think

-- Check out P.S. I love you. I would mark it right after the notebook. Give me a pint of Guinness and man like that any day.

-- You can't talk about love stories without mentioning "Message In A Bottle" - Kevin Costner and Robin Wright Penn. That one just tears my heart out. Now when I watch it over again...I have to stop it before the end. Barbara

From Mimi: I will just have to get that one! Several people are saying it's great. Now you've got me worried though... : )

--Mimi, one of my very favorite "chick flicks" is Love Actually. If you haven't seen this LOVE story, you must rush out and get it NOW!! The characters, the plots, the music, it's all there. Makes you realize no one should settle for less than true love....

Doris

--Hi Mimi,

I read your emails all the time and the topics you bring up are so relevant to every woman out there!! Thank you so much for being here. I truly appreciate you!

I like 'Ghosts of Girlfriends Past' and 'He's Not That Into You'. It reveals the male psyche and reinforces everything that you have been saying all along.

-- "BABY BOOM" WITH DIANE KEATON IS A TOUCHING, VERY FUNNY MOVIE! IT TOUCHES UPON LOVE OF EVERY LEVEL.... ROMANCE, SEX, FAMILY, AND THE LOVE AND RESPECT FOR OURSELVES AS WOMEN. I LOVE WATCHING IT ESPECIALLY AFTER A BREAKUP OR LOSS OF A JOB, OR IF MY SELF-ESTEEM NEEDS A WAKE UP CALL! SEE IT....I THINK ITS THE BEST CHICK FLICK EVER; BESIDES, AS YOU QUOTED, "THE WOMEN"! (THE 1939 VERSION)

-- Awh :) I saw The Notebook properly the other day, and I cried all the way through. True, I was already upset before I watched it, and I only wanted to watch it to see the look Allie gives Noah that you mention in Hard To Get, but it was a beautiful story and thinking about it makes me want to cry, hehe.

From Mimi: Thanks!! I'm glad you saw it... and it is nice to know that the two actors had a romance in real life too.

-- Yes! 'Pride and Prejudice'! with Keira Knightley and McFadden. I've watched it so many times that I could almost recite their lines and my eyed are glued on the screen like I'm watching it for the first time. The love story in it just thrills me!

Thank you Mimmi,
Tequila

Dear Mimi,

Thank you so much for your emails and your insight. You have saved me from the brink of mistakes several times now with your common sense, empowering information. I would like to respond about my favorite chick flick. It's Somewhere In Time starring Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour.

From Mimi: You're absolutely right. This is one of the greats. And ever so much more sad now that Christopher Reeve is no longer with us. This movie has spawned weekends at that hotel where it was filmed. I plan to go to one of those weekends in the next couple of years.

"Somewhere in Time" - it's a must-see ultimate Chick Flick, for sure.

Dear Mimi:

Happy belated birthday from one Gemini to another. In regards to your email "chick flicks," I wanted to share that the most inspiring movie for me was Bridges of Madison County also starring Meryl Streep.

Now, here is a love story that is not only forbidden and passionate but one that lasts a life time. The reason for its impact would have to be because I can somewhat relate to it.

True love may be found in the least expected people in the least expected of times. Sometimes, it is impossible to hold on to that love but in our hearts, that love remains forever. Unfortunately, I believe that the reason why that type of love remains so true and passionate is for the very same reason that we cannot have it or live with. This type of love is the one that's in the back of our minds and creates a barrier with our current relationship.

Sincerely,
Revery

From Mimi: What I like about that movie and book is that the love was still considered to be real even through the years; they didn't consider it to be just a passing phase. What you said is interesting and that's what Meryl's character alludes to. I'm not sure if I want to agree with this though - but I'm sure there is truth in it. I'd like to think that these 2 could have made it work if they had chosen to. But as they said, it was the life circumstances and history that might have marred happiness even if they'd tried for it - is that it?? sigh.

OMG!! .. Murphy's Romance. James Garner and Sally Field. At the end when she says that she is in love for the FIRST time and he says.. he is in LOVE for the LAST time. I just cried and said that I want to say that someday.

There is so many wonderful movies out there to inspire love. You've Got Mail at the end when she is crying and he says .. Don't cry Shop Girl... and she says.. I so wanted it to be you.

ohhhhhh....

From Mimi: Thank you for mentioning this one, and a few other people did also! James Garner is fantastic in this.

With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Calling Men - the Complete Guide to Calling
and Emailng the Men You Date"
www.CallingMen.com

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"With Love, Mimi Tanner" (tm) is Mimi's daily email column, which debuted in April 2005. "With Love" is one of the most well-loved columns on relationship topics. Well over 100,000 people are active subscribers to Mimi's email columns. This column gets forwarded from friend to friend constantly. Sign up here and talk to you soon!

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