It's not only guys who say the wrong thing
when their date reveals what they do for a
living.
I got an email from a man who shared this
exchange between him and a woman:
SHE: What do you do for a living?
HE: I'm a professional musician.
SHE: Is that ALL you do?
I was floored by that response. You'd think
she would be impressed... and have a lot
more questions to find out what kind of
musician...
A woman emailed me to say that she agrees
that we should not worry so fast about
what a man does for a living:
She writes:
"Mimi, I agree with this wholeheartedly.
"I am British and we are not so forward over here
as in the States - no offense meant by that, but i
used to live in NYC and i was initially shocked at
how upfront women are in that city with their
checklist - they're not even subtle sometimes!
"When i first started dating in NY i had guys
start telling me all their vital stats - b/c they
thought that's what i wanted to hear! One guy who
was way too flashy for me, started telling me
which zipcode and building he lived in, how much
he earnt a year and when i said - you don't need
to tell all these details, he was shocked and
said - Wow, you're definitely not from around
here....!
"(The accent didn't give it away?!?!)
"Needless to say this guy was awful and so conditioned
to show off his wealth, it was off-putting. However i
met alot of great guys who i didn't ask what they did
for a living..... it came up in convo over a course of
dates, and i find it pretty easy to tell with most guys
if they earn a decent amount, by their choice in clothes,
accessories, restaurant, mode of transport etc.
"These guys found it so refreshing i didn't blatantly
ask, they loved me for that......... many a time they
referred to me as 'real'.
"Of course it's something that does interest me to some
extent, but it's not a deal breaker...... and to be
perfectly honest, the kind of guy that would love you
to ask would not be the kind of man i would want to date!
"There are certain types of women for certain types of
men....... and quite frankly the only women that really need to know on a first 'date' are the ones who are
getting paid!!!!"
Best,
K.
And here is an interesting question:
"Mimi,
"I've never asked a man what he drives... but then again
I've never had a negative response from asking a man,
because I'm genuinely interested in what he does for
work.
"But what about asking a man if he lives alone, or with
roommates? I've had awkward experiences where the man
has replied he lives with his parents,,,, I'll never
ask again!!"
Best,
Melissa
Dear Melissa,
I would avoid that question, because again, it will
come up in conversation naturally if you will ever
need to know it, or if you spend any amount of time
with a man.
Lots of people live with parents these days... so
I would not necessarily consider that a negative.
It just depends on the person and the situation.
Also, some men might misinterpret your reason for
asking - they might wonder if you want to see them
alone - very, very soon!
One of the all-time WORST first-date questions, in
my opinion, is:
"So, you're divorced. Why did you get divorced?"
or
"Who wanted a divorce, you or him?"
PLEASE!!!
I know I'm not the only person who has heard those
ardor-chilling questions.
But for the record, I do not write someone off
because of awkward questions, and I think most
women give men the benefit of the doubt for as
long as they can.
Lots of great guys put their foot in their mouths
but you can't read too much into that - unless
they confirm this with other actions or remarks
and you see a definite pattern that reads: "Get
out - get out now!"
With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Hard to Get - Your Personal Guidebook
on How to Play the Game of Love!" www.hardtoget.com
Have you ever wanted to ask a man "where you stand" with him?
Find out right now why this is one of the #1 Mistakes
Women Make!
Get an email right
now to answer the question "Should You Ever Ask a Man
Where Things Stand?"
from Mimi Tanner, author of Man Mistake Eraser
Your email address will only be used to subscribe you to
Mimi Tanner's daily email column. It is never shared
with anyone. You will only receive emails from Mimi
about relationship topics. You will not receive
any emails other than the ones from Mimi Tanner.
Mimi's email column is read daily by women and men all
over the world.
Your First Name:
Your Email Address:
After clicking, you'll stay on this page - you'll receive an
email immediately.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
"The One Fatal Mistake Women Make"
by
Mimi Tanner
So often I hear from women who have made one of the
most fatal mistakes with men that you can ever make.
They sleep with the man on the first date - sometimes
even on the same day they first meet him - meaning
that he has not even had a chance to take them out,
or even to ask them out!
If you don't do anything else right when it comes to
relationships, get THIS one thing right.
Repeating: if you don't do ANYTHING else right, get
that one thing straight!!
Do I feel strongly about this? Yes.
Are there ever any exceptions to this rule??
No. Or as we say in Texas, "Not only no,
but 'Hail, no'!"
Seriously, there can be cases that turn out to be
exceptions to this rule. But do you want to risk the
future of a relationship with the man you really care
about?
This is a very difficult and controversial topic -
but the Broken Heart Trail of Tears that stretches
across the globe provides far more convincing evidence
than any advice to "do what feels right at the moment."
I guarantee you - a man will always, always remember
that you slept with him on the first date. If he's
remembering this fondly on your third wedding anniversary,
then more power to you! You and he were Romeo and Juliet
right from the start.
But there's a far greater chance that you will
literally change the course of your budding relationship
dramatically by having sex on the first date, or worse
yet, when there is no courtship has yet taken place at
all. And frankly, once you have slept with a man, in
his mind, there's not much point in courting. He's
already won you. He got the trophy without even
crossing the finish line - perhaps even without
running the race.
Now why am I putting this all on the woman's shoulders -
doesn't the man have any responsibility here? Oh, yes,
he does. He most certainly should. But when it comes to romance, the word "should" is often just out of
place with reality.
Sleeping with a man makes a woman vulnerable where
it can hurt the most.
The Broken Heart Trail of Tears is littered with condom
wrappers, my friends. Lots of potential relationships
end before they start because of this one mistake.
It's not because men are cads, either. It's because when
they emerge from sex too soon, it's very awkward. Where do
you go from there? You're with someone in a situation that
belongs in a more advanced relationship - yet you both know
that you don't know each other that well yet.
This leaves you oh, so vulnerable to being treated as
though your intimacy didn't matter as much as it would
in a long-standing, committed relationship - and let's
face it, IT DOESN'T matter as much. Either of you can
decide to opt out immediately with very little aftermath.
Yes, I do know of women who are in good relationships
which did start out with sex on the first date. And
yes, not all relationships will fail if this happens.
But this is extremely rare - and if you're counting on
it happening, you're setting yourself up to be hurt.
You do NOT need to let yourself in for this kind of pain.
From a reader:
"This is so true Mimi, and this is the excuse that
women will give to justify why this is perfectly
okay. They know someone who slept with a man on the first date, moved in him a few weeks later and then
went on to marry. If it worked for those women, why
won't it work for them? Why should a man judge them
negatively for this especially since he was the one
who wanted to be intimate and was doing the pursuing?
That's what they tell themselves.
"In most cases, when you have sex with someone you barely
know, the man now sees you as someone to have sex with,
and no longer considers you for a future relationship.
"Women get frustrated with a man's lack of commitment
in the past and get caught up in the romantic moment
and swept away. They think this one will work out
because it feels so good. She feels he is so smitten
that he wants her forever.
"Since she is feeling these powerful emotions, she
assumes the man feels the way but most of the time
he is not. He is just having pleasurable sex and it
is easy to misread it as an emotional connection.
"Or even worse, she convinces herself she can deal
with casual sex and it is no big deal, but then she
will become anxious and depressed when he does not
call again. So it does matter.
"You give such sage advice..."
-- Sarah
There is so much to consider - and these things should take
far more than a few hours. Don't sleep with someone you do not
even know. Aside from the health risks, which you should be
well aware of on your own, there are severe emotional risks.
The stakes are very high.
In fact, author Bob Grant
says that when you sleep with someone, you have a chemical
bond with that man forever - and I think that most women
will agree that another person leaves an imprint on you,
both emotionally and physically.
Trust me on this one critical point and do NOT sleep with
a man when you just met him or just started dating him.
You will not regret following this advice.
Now perhaps if he's going off to war tomorrow and this
is your one and only night with him for the next 5 years,
then Aunt Mimi will cut you a little slack on this. Maybe.
It's really your own decision, not mine. It depends on
the essence of how you really feel about your decisions
and why you make them.
If you take things slowly, you can't go wrong. If you care
deeply for him and want a relationship with him, it is far
more likely that you'll HAVE this relationship if you get
this one thing straight above all else.
And yes, it is possible to recover if you have messed up
with a guy - not easy, but possible.
With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Hard to Get - Your Personal Guidebook
on How to Play the Game of Love!" www.hardtoget.com
P.S. From readers:
"Dear Mimi,
"Thank you for lesson 1 of Hard to Get' - it's so well written
and makes such good sense! I can't wait to find out how to
apply the "Reverse Ultimatum" and await the next lesson with
bated breath.
"I'm in need of your lessons. I've been in a close and loving
relationship with a really good man for four and a half years
now and everything seems fine, except that I'm beginning to
feel a little tired of the travelling to and fro and packing
and unpacking (we live --- miles apart and see one another
virtually every weekend, sometimes he travels, sometimes I
do).
"I've met his relatives and he's met mine. Now I'm thinking
it's time we got together and was gearing myself up to have
the 'Serious Talk,' but your sound advice has stopped me.
I think I've been TOO accommodating and understanding. Now
it's time I made myself slightly less available. So I'm
absolutely ready to try the 'Reverse Ultimatum' - but I'm
not sure quite how to. Doubtless your lessons will tell me.
"And I'm thinking of joining a holiday tour in [country]
(where I've always wanted to go) without him. Might just
jolt him into remembering that I'm the feisty bird he first
fell for!" -- Kind regards, "Amber" (not her real name)
Earlier this week we talked about the reactions women get when they
tell a man what they do for a living.
Now I want to offer a suggestion that may make you stand out among
other women:
Don't ask a man what he does for a living.
This is SUCH a loaded question. Men are expecting you to ask it
sooner or later.
This question loosely translates into:
"So, how much money do you make, and will you be able to support me
in the near future?"
It may not mean that to YOU, but it means that to enough women that
the question itself has become fraught with these monetary
overtones.
I just talked to a man last week who told me that women "always"
want to know
* What a man does for a living
and
* What he drives
(He also told me that "all" women always ask him where this
relationship is going, too! And that they ask it within the first
month!!)
Now suppose you want to know what he does for a living. It's
certainly an interesting part of who the man is. But it's not
necessarily going to tell you the whole story.
I saw an interesting movie called "Hav Plenty" which in part
illustrated this point. The man in the movie was temporarily
"homeless." He was an aspiring writer.
He was in love with a wealthy young woman who was not able to make
the leap from running with the prestigious to loving the starving
artist.
(He writes her the most awesome love letter near the end of the
movie.)
So why should you NOT ask a man what he does for a living?
For one reason, you don't need to!
The subject is bound to come up in conversation fairly soon. He will
volunteer this information as a matter of course. You really don't
need to ask.
For another reason, you can stand out from among the women who are
seemingly making snap judgments on a man based on his profession.
The Q and A of Dating -
Lame Reactions from Men to What You Do for a Living
When two people meet, several questions come up.
Unfortunately, this Q and A of dating is full of
landmines. Here's just one of them.
When a man asks us what we do for a living, and then
gets the answer, sometimes his response is very, very
annoying! Especially if it's the 100th time you've
heard the same response.
I was a teacher for about 15 years. One of the subjects
I taught was English.
I'm sure the teachers reading this know exactly what
I'm going to say...
The first thing guys say when you tell them you're
a teacher is something like, "Oh, I will have to
watch what I say." "Oh, my spelling is not too good."
You don't even have to be an English teacher to get
that response. Just being a teacher of ANY subject
seems to make guys suddenly get nervous about how
they present themselves!
Then that makes a woman uncomfortable and sorry she
even mentioned it!!
Considering that a huge number of women are teachers,
it is just plain ridiculous for men to respond like
this!
Just once, I would like to hear a guy quote that Woody Allen joke
and respond with, "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those
who can't teach, teach gym."
(Not true, just a joke from the movie "Annie Hall." )
Back to our topic...
After I started writing full time, I then got
the same response. Only WORSE.
"Oh, you're a writer? You're not doing all this
for an article, are you??"
I just don't tell most guys that I write, until
I know for sure that I will be friends with them.
That's because of this kind of suspicious reaction
I get.
A couple of years ago, a guy asked me, "Am I being
punked??" At that time, I had not heard the
word "punked." It sounded kind of weird to me.
I assured him that he was NOT being punked,
whatever the HECK that was.... !!
I had to go home and look it up on the web.
Such events usually get a text back from my
teenage daughter which includes "lol, mom!"
Guys are hyper-sensitive to being duped,
"punked," tricked, and fooled. Get a grip, guys,
we women really have better things to do.
We don't go to all the trouble of meeting
you just to do you harm, so leave off the
paranoia - it's TRES unmanly.
I would like to hear some of the comments
men have said to you when they find out
what you do for a living.
Please share your "Dating Q and A" comments.
Sign the guestbook
!
(Comments are monitored before being published.)
Friday, June 5, 2009
Readers Write In about Chick Flicks
Two days ago, I sent an email out (my column titled
"With Love, Mimi Tanner") and it was all about "chick flicks."
I use the term endearingly, of course. Here are some of the responses I've received...
there are a LOT and I have really and truly
enjoyed these responses. I'm glad I wrote about this even
though, trust me, it was not easy to admit how much these movies can
affect me.
Personally I have been taking stock, and I think that
I need to see one movie every single day in order to stay sane and
not get my mind on things it shouldn't be on. Of course one
has to be really careful these days just what movie one sees.
And if you are a parent, the chances of seeing a movie without being
interrupted (if you're home) are slim unless you time it right. That
also goes if you're a pet owner. Okay, here are the comments
(please bear with me that I can't do all editing that may be needed
because just posting these is not as simple as cut and paste
unfortunately - it takes a lot of time):
Hi Mimi,
I have a tremendous love for 'chick flicks' too and yes I think they
affect me ridiculously. Lol! I'm a sucker for good romance.
The last one I saw that was nothing short of amazing was A Walk to
Remember which comes in both book and dvd by Nicholas Sparks. Not
forgetting another called Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks
again. Absolutely touching and beautiful stories that made me
believe once again that true love was possible.
God has finally sent me my true love and I hope to spend the rest of
my life with this wonderful man. To everyone else, don't give up but
trust God and it will happen for you too.
Regards Shelly
From Mimi: Thank you, Shelly, and you inspired people here with your
words.
I agree with you and many others who mentioned "A Walk To
Remember" and I adore that movie for so many reasons. For any
teens reading this, you have GOT to see this one ASAP! I
have a YouTube clip down below on this page of a scene from this
movie.
Thanks for sharing, Mimi. I really DO enjoy, and learn from, your
emails!
Meryl Streep has always been my favorite actress so I will be sure
to watch
that movie, maybe this Friday!
Sincerely,
Marguerite
From Mimi: I think she's the greatest, too. And she's
had a long, successful marriage. I love her in everything from
"Kramer vs. Kramer" to "The Devil Wears Prada" and "Doubt."
Hi Mimi,
What a great e-mail!! Yes, at the
ripe old age of 39 I find myself blown away by a good ol' chick
flick once in a while too.
Two movies have really blown me
away recently:
1) "Love Actually" (love, love,
love it) It shows love in its various forms, bitter, sweet,
sillly, wonderful.... happy, sad.... It's a gorgeous film. And
incidentally, made by the same director of "Four Weddings & a
Funeral".... there are so many scenes in it that are amazing, I
can't even begin to tell you the story (stories). If you haven't
seen it RUN to the store and buy it!!!!! Any time I happen to
mention I love that film and there's a woman in the room.. we take
off on a 10 minute tangent recounting which parts we loved best.
2) "Anna and the King" - OMG!
Though this movie is already 10 years old, I had never seen it (it
didn't get good reviews.... unbelievable). I happened to see it the
other evening on TV and ran out the next day to buy the DVD. I loved
it dubbed in Italian, and couldn't believe how amazing it was in the
original language. I was BLOWN away! The last scene of that film is
probably the most romantic scene I have EVER seen. SO touching!!!
Gorgeous. It shows how a woman who is true to herself and not
ashamed of her strength is always irresistible to any man worth his
salt (as Bob Grant teaches) and that true love is based on so much
more than mere physical attraction (which is also, very powerfully
there, but is not the core of the relationship). It also shows how
amazing a truly manly man (in the real sense of the word) can be...
*sigh*.
Voilà, my two cents! Part of me
hopes that you haven't seen either film, so that you will go out,
rent/buy them and then tell me that they're the best chick-flicks
you've ever seen ;-)
Enjoy!
Greetings from Rome, Italy
From Mimi: Thanks! I have only seen parts of "Love
Actually" and haven't seen "Anna..." I will check them out!
Dear Mimi,
Yes, I do find them inspiring. One of my favorites that I watch over
and over is While You Were Sleeping. Though not a heart wrenching
tear jerker it's moving in a light hearted way. A plus for me is
Bill Pullman not a sophisticated leading man but more my speed.
Though I still love watching Cary Grant he's been my favorite since
childhood.
Glad you had a wonderful Birthday.
Be well!
Ellen
From Mimi: Thanks, Ellen,
you are so nice as always!! Oh gosh, Bill Pullman, I adore him. I
haven't seen all of his movies but all the ones I have seen are so
good. Too bad he's taken lol. "Youuu Betterrr Runnn!!!"
He can be funny or touching or whatever is required.
Here's another GREAT chick flick with Jodie
Foster, Richard Gere (he's the greatest), and Bill Pullman that is
just fantastic: "Sommersby."
"Bridges over Madison county" did it for me when it comes to love
stories, I still picture Meryl and Clint in the kitchen...and my
heart starts to beat faster and I feel like I am breathless. The
chemistry was intoxicating....I have been lucky to have had this
kind of chemistry (although I was not married at the time), and
still seek it at age 54. Age is irrelevant when it comes to love
and chemistry... I know it is still possible.....single and keeping an
eye out for someone to "Rock my core"
From Mimi: I like this one too, but wanted to like it more
than I did. But boy do I wish I had written the book. That is
the kind of book I hope to write someday. I think they were both
perfectly cast here. I wanted her to get out of that truck
though. Gosh.
Mimi,
Happy Belated Birthday! OMG I love your emails. They are getting me
through the most difficult break-up because I'm left a single mom to
a 10 month old (now one). I watched "Nights at Rodanthe" over the
weekend. What an awesome love story! The movie begins with every
woman's dream the ex coming back to say I want to come home, I made
a mistake. She makes the decision to shake him off and continue on
her journey to Rodanthe where she meets a man. She helps the man and
he says the words that of course again you wish your ex would say,
"Any man who walks away from you has to be a fool," (paraphrased of
course). They go off on their separate ways, he sends her the most
beautiful love letters only to find that when they finally are going
to meet he ......
From Mimi: I just saw that one too finally.
3 Actresses Who Should Have Been Superstars
Sooner:
1. Diane Lane. I know she was famous as a little
girl in "A Little Romance." But she should have gone on to be a
major presence in films in her 20's and from then on. Yet it
seemed to take 20 years or so before she started getting the great
roles.
2. Kim Basinger. She appeared in "Charlie's Angels"
(the old series) when she was a very young woman. I caught that
episode (I didn't watch the show regularly) and thought, "WOW, that
girl is going to be a star." But it didn't happen for like 2
decades. Good grief.
3. Jane Kaczmarek. She's in one of the movies we're
talking about, "Falling in Love." She is fantastic in that movie.
She's so adorable. That movie is from 1984 - why did it take so long
for HER to really get the fame she deserved? Yes, she has been
acting for years, but to my knowledge, it took a tv series for her
to become really well known. She's terrific. I hope she gets a lot
more starring roles; she deserves them.
HI Mimi - Happy belated Birthday wishes to you.
A great movie : FRENCH KISS with Meg Ryan, Kevin Kline & Timothy
Hutton. Meg loses her fiancé (Timothy) to a Frenchwoman, so she
books a flight to Paris to get him back, even though she's afraid of
flying. On the flight she sits next to Kevin Kline, a Frenchman who
helps Meg get thru her flying fear & then gives her lessons on how a
Frenchwoman would act & speak in this situation. When she
uses this advise, her ex-fiancé (Timothy) sees her in a new light &
is newly intrigued with her, temporarily forgetting about the French
babe he left her for. At the same time, Kevin falls for her too.
Some lessons don't show him how much you miss him or how you're
falling apart; show him you can get along without him & how you're
attracted to & are attracted by other men. The dialog is great &
fits right in the lessons of your newsletter - watch it sometime
(uncut & without commercials to get the full effect).
Thanks for your daily newsletter - it gives me something to look
forward to every day. I've been married for 21 years, but I still
find info in your newsletter that I can use at home. Thanks, & have
a great day, JR
From Mimi: Thanks! I will check this one out!
Hi Mimi,
Thanks for sending this email out! I agree that chick flicks can
touch you like no other story can.
I have 2 favorites that I watch at least once or twice a year when I
need a chick flick night or weekend, usually all by myself.
First is (also) Falling in Love.....It apparently didn't have too
many great reviews or was a big blockbuster, but no matter how many
times I watch it (and can recite every line), it always touches me
and cheers me up. The two couples would have probably wound up
living out their lives just as they were....and I always wonder how
those marriages would have played out. They obviously loved their
spouse/children, but like you said, this movie is "dangerous." It
shows how easily an affair can be sparked when you are seemingly
happily married. When there is something deep down inside of you
that is yearning and you can't quite put your finger on it, someone
can come along that can really fill that empty space. I know, I've
been there, and always "Falling in Love" was running in the
background of my imagination! However, for those of us who don't
have a happy ending and finally wind up with the one they seemed
"right" for, it's a little sad too.
Second favorite is "Shirley Valentine" -- a British comedy about a
woman who tires of being the housewife and winds up talking to the
"wall." But she bravely goes on vacation and emerges a butterfly.
The ending is perfect, sitting on the edge of the sea, and knowing
that her life will never be the same again because she's finally
found the woman inside herself that she always wanted to be.
Why aren't there "chick flick" festivals anywhere? Maybe we should
start one?
Thanks!
Jill
From Mimi: It's nice to hear from someone else who
adores that movie "Falling in Love" as I do. That movie does have an
all-star cast, by the way! For those who don't know the movie, it
stars Robert De Niro, Meryl Streep, Harvey Keitel, Dianne Wiest,
Jane Kaczmarek, David Clennon (love him too, and he was great on
"30-Something" and "Being There"), and even Jesse Bradford plays a
little child... but be warned, this is a Chick Flick to end
them all.
I said it's dangerous; I found the antidote also. If this movie
makes you want to leave your marriage or break up someone else's,
here is a sure cure: this movie is from Sweden and with subtitles -
it's "Heaven's Heart."
This is one very powerful movie about the effects and the risks of
infidelity. And so by the way is "Unfaithful" with Diane Lane
and Richard Gere... both are well worth seeing to say the least!!
Back to "Falling in Love" - That was, I think, the 2nd time that
Streep and De Niro played love interests. The first time was in "The
Deer Hunter." It is very nice to see Robert De Niro in the
romantic roles for a change. He also did a great romantic role with
Jane Fonda in "Stanley and Iris." He's a living legend, no one can
quarrel with that.
Falling in Love"
- it has my highest "ruin your life, wrench your heart"
recommendation. Irresistible. Be sure to see the antidotes
recommended before you ruin your life or someone else's - be very,
very sure you know what you're doing! SIGH.
Mimi,
I also love a good chick flick. I liked all the movies you
mentioned but have yet to see The Notebook. I'll see it. I
think most of the good chick flicks are the older ones, not
current ones. The current ones mostly seem derivative, copies of
earlier films done better, with better writing and more depth of
character. There are exceptions of course.
I would suggest you watch FANNY, a very romantic movie from
1961. Also TRULY MADLY DEEPLY. About a woman who can't get
over her love who died, and so he comes back as a ghost. And
for some good laughs, PILLOW TALK. About battle of the sexes,
really well done with Doris Day and Rock Hudson. TWO FOR THE
ROAD is a good one about the ups and downs of marriage. Those
are just my first few....there will be more later!
-- "Connie"
From Mimi: Funny you mention it, when I was growing up,
I did see "Fanny" on TV. I always remembered it too. Just
recently I ran across it again and it was exactly as I
remembered it. I also saw "Two For the Road" in reruns
while growing up and was very impressed with it. I got it on DVD
and it's great, but even better if one can go back in time to
the '60s and see it from that vantage point. Audrey is (was) the
ultimate charming woman, we all know that. Her charm is
unequalled. The lines from "Two for the Road" stay with
one forever. And of course William Daniels and Eleanor
Bron were absolutely hysterical.
Chick flicks - The Women (1939) is classic!
Anything based on a Jane Austen novel
Steel Magnolias
Enchanted April
A Room with a View
sigh.... sigh some more, ladies, sigh some more... ahhhhhhh
From
Mimi: You said it!! People, if you have never seen
"Steel Magnolias," then by all means, it's a delight.
Two of my favorites are "Sense and Sensibility" and "Emma."
"The Women" - "This is Mrs. Stephen Haines." I love it.
There was one about a couple of gay guys in New York...
Can't remember the name... Where the one says to the other in sign
language
"NOT ENOUGH!"
ANd that's been a guide (when I remember)- not to be with guys who
don't
love me enough... even if they're lovely!
xox
From Mimi: You've got me wondering what the name is! :
)
Here is a group of shorter comments:
-- I, as you, enjoy chick
flicks. It helps to restore you faith that true love does exist. I
truly love the Notebook. It was such a wonderful story. There is
another movie if you have not seen yet is worth renting and seeing.
It is called NIghts in Rodanthe. The ending is sad but the story
line is great.
-- original sin is a great movie with angelina jolie.
-- I loved "50 First
Dates"
-- My favorite Chick Flick
was "The Mirror has Two Faces". It spoke volumes to me about how
guys think
-- Check out P.S. I love you. I would mark it right after the
notebook. Give me a pint of Guinness and man like that any day.
-- You can't talk about love stories without mentioning "Message In
A Bottle" - Kevin Costner and Robin Wright Penn. That one
just tears my heart out. Now when I watch it over again...I have to
stop it before the end. Barbara
From Mimi: I will just have to get that one! Several
people are saying it's great. Now you've got me worried
though... : )
--Mimi, one of my very favorite "chick flicks" is Love
Actually. If you haven't seen this LOVE story, you
must rush out and get it NOW!! The characters, the plots,
the music, it's all there. Makes you realize no one should
settle for less than true love....
Doris
--Hi Mimi,
I read your emails all the time and the topics you bring
up are so relevant to every woman out there!! Thank you
so much for being here. I truly appreciate you!
I like 'Ghosts of Girlfriends Past' and 'He's Not That
Into You'. It reveals the male psyche and reinforces
everything that you have been saying all along.
--
"BABY BOOM" WITH DIANE KEATON IS A TOUCHING, VERY FUNNY
MOVIE! IT TOUCHES UPON LOVE OF EVERY LEVEL.... ROMANCE,
SEX, FAMILY, AND THE LOVE AND RESPECT FOR OURSELVES AS
WOMEN. I LOVE WATCHING IT ESPECIALLY AFTER A BREAKUP OR
LOSS OF A JOB, OR IF MY SELF-ESTEEM NEEDS A WAKE UP
CALL! SEE IT....I THINK ITS THE BEST CHICK FLICK
EVER; BESIDES, AS YOU QUOTED, "THE WOMEN"! (THE 1939
VERSION)
-- Awh :) I saw The Notebook properly the other day, and
I cried all the way through. True, I was
already upset before I watched it, and I only wanted to
watch it to see the look Allie gives Noah that you mention
in Hard To Get, but it was a beautiful story and thinking
about it makes me want to cry, hehe.
From Mimi: Thanks!! I'm glad you saw
it... and it is nice to know that the two actors had a
romance in real life too.
-- Yes! 'Pride and Prejudice'! with Keira Knightley and
McFadden. I've watched it so many times that I could almost
recite their lines and my eyed are glued on the screen like
I'm watching it for the first time. The love story in it
just thrills me!
Thank you Mimmi,
Tequila
Dear Mimi,
Thank you so much for your emails and your insight. You have saved
me from the brink of mistakes several times now with your common
sense, empowering information. I would like to respond about my
favorite chick flick. It's Somewhere In Time starring Christopher
Reeve and Jane Seymour.
From Mimi: You're absolutely
right. This is one of the greats. And ever so much more sad
now that Christopher Reeve is no longer with us. This movie
has spawned weekends at that hotel where it was filmed. I plan
to go to one of those weekends in the next couple of years.
"Somewhere in Time" - it's a must-see ultimate Chick Flick, for
sure.
Dear Mimi:
Happy belated birthday from one Gemini to another. In regards to
your email "chick flicks," I wanted to share that the most inspiring
movie for me was Bridges of Madison County also starring
Meryl Streep.
Now, here is a love story that is not only forbidden and passionate
but one that lasts a life time. The reason for its impact would have
to be because I can somewhat relate to it.
True love may be found in the least expected people in the least
expected of times. Sometimes, it is impossible to hold on to that
love but in our hearts, that love remains forever. Unfortunately, I
believe that the reason why that type of love remains so true and
passionate is for the very same reason that we cannot have it or
live with. This type of love is the one that's in the back of our
minds and creates a barrier with our current relationship.
Sincerely, Revery
From Mimi: What I like about that movie and book is that the love
was still considered to be real even through the years; they didn't
consider it to be just a passing phase. What you said is interesting
and that's what Meryl's character alludes to. I'm not sure if
I want to agree with this though - but I'm sure there is truth in
it. I'd like to think that these 2 could have made it work if they
had chosen to. But as they said, it was the life circumstances
and history that might have marred happiness even if they'd tried
for it - is that it?? sigh.
OMG!! .. Murphy's Romance. James Garner and Sally Field. At
the end when she says that she is in love for the FIRST time and
he says.. he is in LOVE for the LAST time. I just cried and
said that I want to say that someday.
There is so many wonderful movies out there to inspire love.
You've Got Mail at the end when she is crying and he says ..
Don't cry Shop Girl... and she says.. I so wanted it to be you.
ohhhhhh....
From Mimi: Thank you for mentioning this one, and a few
other people did also! James Garner is fantastic in this.
I'll share more emails here as soon as I can (the plan is
tomorrow).
With love, Mimi!
With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Calling Men - the Complete Guide to Calling
and Emailng the Men You Date" http://CallingMen.com
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
He's a Magic Man - Specializing in Disappearing
Acts
But when it comes to Magic Men, one thing you don't
want to deal with is the Disappearing Act.
Yesterday I got this message in my guestbook from a reader:
Hi Mimi!
I just have to tell you how much your emails have helped
me in my relationship. I met this great guy New Year's Eve
who was acting like he was really into me. We went out once
and had a great time, but towards the end of the date he
seemed to get a little distant and said he would call.
Three months went by without a word. Finally, out of the
blue he called and I did all the wrong things, like demand
to know why he was calling me now after all this time,
and he was full of apologies, he had lost my number,
he lost his cell phone, etc.
Anyway, we talked and I agreed to meet with him again,
and the same thing happened!! I didn't hear from him
for about 6 weeks when he called again out of the blue.
This time I just acted like I was glad to hear from him,
told him this was a pleasant surprise and how was he,
etc. He sounded like he was gaining confidence. We
talked and laughed for awhile and then he said, "So
when can we get together?" I didn't miss a beat and
said in a rather pleasant voice, "I'm not going to
see you again!" with no explanation.
He was speechless at first and then he started to ask
why, when I suddenly said, "Hey you sexy thing, I've
really got to run. Nice talking to you. You take care.
Bye," and I promptly hung up.
That was three days ago and he has been calling,
sending emails, and just a little while ago I got
flowers!! I haven't yet responded to him. My question
is, how long should I wait to respond, should I respond
at all, and if I decide to see him again, when?
This is a great turnaround and I think I am enjoying
this more than the time I actually spent with him. He
is sounding more frantic with each call. I really did
like him, but I'm not sure I want to be blown off again
with no explanation. What are your thoughts??
--
CC
From Mimi:
Wow, CC, that is a great and a classic story. And you
sound like you are really seeing this situation for
what it is, since you're enjoying it.
The problem with a man like this is, while you may have
driven him to distraction with your unexpected actions -
and don't you love it, and didn't he richly deserve it -
revel in it, baby....
But yes, this guy has a very POOR PROGNOSIS in terms of
boyfriend material.
What this guy didn't tell you was that his middle name
was Harry, as in Houdini. And no matter how nutso he is
right now - and frankly it's good for him to have to
go through this cathartic experience and send you flowers -
I'm sure he is finding a side of himself he never knew
existed...
He still has a 100% chance of pulling your chain yet
again. Imagine how THAT will feel. So you have 2 options.
You can see him or not see him. I vote for not seeing him.
If you do see him, you run the very high risk of him being
great for a while and then doing this to you a 3rd time,
in which case, he had better hope you don't own a gun and
are not loony. The man really likes to live dangerously.
So as for not seeing him, you can tell him why. If you DO
see him, first of all, start that by answering the phone
when he calls - not by replying to any email or anything
where he is not "on the line" or present with you at that
moment. Anything else is too easy for him to ignore.
Second, don't meet him anywhere; don't give him a chance
to stand you up in public.
Third, do not take him seriously. A man like this who
disappears is not going to change. Take it from me and
half the other women reading this.
Why is it a certainty that he will do this again? It's
because with you, he has started a PATTERN, and one that
will be almost impossible to break. He's already worn that
groove. It's a lost cause.
And you handled it beautifully. I would recommend
letting him stew over what happened; you've made it
better for the next girl... but don't waste your precious
time on this guy. Other, better men are more worthy of
your thoughts and your time. You gave this guy a chance
and not only did he blow it one time, but 2 times.
That is 1 time too many.
Thanks for this story, CC!
As another song goes, "Love is a battlefield" - sometimes.
It certainly is when men give us situations like this to
deal with! If you're playing the game of love, you will
come across such situations, so be armed and prepared.
Men like this DO fall in love and marry... they're not
total losses - but it is a total loss when a pattern like
this happens.
You don't have to be the girl they pull their nonsense on.
You can be the girl who brings out "the chase" in them.
You'll both be a lot happier when it works out that way!
With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Hard to Get - Your Personal Guidebook on How to
Play the Game of Love!" http://hardtoget.com
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Readers Lament - "Where Are the Real Men??"
Know any men with the WHINE FLU?
Sign the guestbook
!
After today's email from me this morning, I heard from
so many women, and here are some of their comments.
Hi Mimi,
I love getting your emails, and I couldn't agree more with
everything you write! I've learnt long ago to leave with dignity and
just cut them off which will without doubt make them come back or at
least hold a torch for you forever!
L. in London
She's so right. Read that again!
Another reader writes:
Dear Mimi,
I always read your emails with my roommate and we spend some time discussing
them, we have fun having our girl talk and the typical talking
about boys.
Well we both have had, at some point or another, this one
problem that we think is really weird.
The man thinks we should be making the first move!
Not to toot our own horns but we are nice, sociable, good
looking women who don't normally have a problem getting a date
for a Friday night. It just happens sometimes that we come
across these guys who seem like winners and they seem too shy to
ask us out.
Well, we brought this up with our shy male friend
Brian and he says to us "You girls have seen me come across
beautiful women who, of course, I'd love to go out with but I
just can't bring myself to ask them out." We know he wants a
date, but why won't he ask anyone out? This is where I'm not so
sure distance is the answer.
Mimi, I'm tired of all those meatheads who have the courage (or
really conceitedness) to ask me out and I'd like a nice, shy guy
to ask me out! Preferably for this weekend (haha).
How do I get the shy guy to come out of his shell?
Love, Debbie
Dear Debbie,
Thanks so much for this email. What Bob means
about distance applies in different situations - not this particular
one. In this situation, you're trying to get things going in
the first place!
We have a problem here with men who are afraid to ask
out a beautiful woman, just because of her looks! Men, get a
grip and step up to the plate. You're the one with the issue, not
the woman!
Some great advice on how to let a man know without a
doubt that you're interested - without making it too obvious and
without embarrassing yourself - can be found in Ginie Sayles'
"Foolproof Guide to Meeting Men" at
www.foolproofguidetomeetingmen.com
Some men are afflicted with the WHINE FLU. They
complain about how you handle things; they waste time arguing with
you instead of flirting with you... who needs it?
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Music to Fall in Love By - or to Think about
Someone You Love
This time of year is a time of reflection for me and
for most people.
Wishing you all a Merry Christmas and Happy Hanukkah!
Much thanks to my friends in this business who warm my
heart with their kindness.
An equal thanks to the wonderful people who read and
who write in comments that are amazing and fun to read.
I love this song by the way (and the movie and book of
course!) From A Walk to Remember:
With Love, Mimi Tanner
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Mimi's Nail Salon Rant... Anjelah
Johnson Understands!!!
I've been getting my nails done for a long time now. (I'm
about to give up due to the time factor and the annoyance factor and
try to do them myself without the fake nails!!) Usually it's an excruciatingly painful experience like torture...
and then I tip them. That's how it's supposed to work.
I'm always griping to my daughters and their friends about how the
ladies talk about you in their language right in front of you...!!
My daughter's friend told me about Anjelah
Johnson's hilarious comedy routine about this, and I'm sharing
it with you.
Anjelah Johnson is very talented and funny. This video is
really dead on accurate about a visit to a nail salon. If you're
familiar with Anjelah's comedy you'll
be aware that she pokes good-natured fun at ALL "races."
Late note: I finally found a great nail
person... I will be devoted to her forever....
Here are some of the comments I have received
about yesterday's email! (I've repeated the email at the bottom of
the page.)
Hi Mimi,
This is really interesting and funny! I would like to comment on
this...being single I know how to flirt when I want to flirt so with
saying this...I have used this technique myself to get a man's
attention but never thought to use it against them when I want to talk to them
about something serious. So next time I will try it. I know I have
learned a lot so far from your advice and also Bob Grant's
which is wonderful! Not only is it teaching me about the
relationship between two people but it has also helped me with my
own self. I highly recommend this to ALL women even IF they think
they know it all.
-- W.
Hey.. why not? do whatever we have as a good source
in ourselves....whatever works...
-- A.
HI Mimi from the lovely state of VA.
First and foremost THANK YOU for keeping us in check.
I also want to agree with today's email of bend and snap!
I am a tough as nails woman, do all the things myself, one
of those "I don't need a man" type woman. So trust me when
I say, if I can learn to be a "girly girl", anyone can.
Thanks to you, I have realized the importance of letting a
man be a man!
THIS WORKS... my current boyfriend, (thanks for all the
insightful tips, I changed my MO, and WHAM he came out of
nowhere and swept me clean off my feet.). is about 6'3", I
am barely 5'4", so for him to get to look into my eyes,
takes alot of work. I whisper, not really low, but enough
to where he has to bend down, THEN I look into his eyes.
He has told me that is the one thing that really gets to
him.. because he loves it, and has to pay very close
attention.
So ladies, listen up... pay close attention to what Mimi says is simply
AWESOME. THIS HAS CHANGED MY LIFE. I never in a million
years thought I would find "HIM"... and using what I have
deemed "tweaking"... because I think we all desire to be
loved, that I have learned here.. I am able to be in a great
relationship. Now trust me, it is a daily lesson, I tend to
want to fall back into old habits, of throwing my hands on
my hips, and demanding my way... but when I realize his
primal urge is to protect me, and keep me smiling, then I
adjust the way I communicate with him.
I just wish someone would write a book to wake up the new
"metro sexual man" ... cause most of us still want the
Marlboro man on the white horse!
GREATEST THANKS
S. in VA
Dear Mimi,
I never understand women who won't use their femininity to their
advantage. I went through that rebellious stage too but you know it
gets you nowhere fast. Over the years I've learned how to use my
female assets and I don't just mean my chest. You don't have to
dress slutty or vulgar either, not for the good guys anyway. Why
women want to balk at using something that will keep them from a
loving relationship is beyond me. Whatever works as long as it's not
degrading I say go for it. I imagine this lady doesn't have to nag
at her husband for anything, that only creates a negative
environment and who wants that.
I'm sure you'll get a lot of heat for this one :) But know there
are those of us who agree with you. Even though my heart is not in
it right now, I will never give up flirting with men.
Be well!
Ellen
Hi Mimi!
I am just stunned that some people were so upset by that interesting
idea/suggestion on how to get your guy's attention, :) Maybe they
dealt with some sort of rejection in the past that made them hate
their own bodies? In any case, I LOVE this idea, as I can almost
guarantee this will work to get the attention of my husband when I
need it. We are all so distracted these days, what with cell phones,
texting and e mails, I think this is a great idea to personally
"re-connect" with your spouse or significant other, even if you
don't have to have their attention. I believe you will GET some
attention from them, regardless of whether you want it or not when
using this method.
Here's to femininity at work!
Best regards,
Kathy
Mimi,
I have never responded to any of your e-mails in the past, but I
definitely think that these are absolute great techniques. As an
independent woman myself, I would normally think this is something a
woman should not stoop down to, but I actually think, if you are a
smart woman, you would use these techniques to your advantage. My
hat's off to whoever applies to them!!!! I know I'm going to!
--N.
Dear Mimi,
I have been reading your newletter for months, purchased Calling Men, have taken your
class on flirting, purchased nearly every book you have suggested,
and I find your advice to be sincere and perfect. Any woman who gets
upset over your advice needs to really examine herself to discover
what about the advice bothers her so much. What is her shadow she is
dealing with?
I think you are fantastic and I have appreciated every piece of
advice I have been given. It has taken me awhile, but I am finally
learning how to be a self-fulfilled human being. I am finally
understanding that I have to be happy within myself before I can
ever attract and keep a quality man. Thanks to you, Mimi, and your
advice and referrals to other quality experts, I am truly becoming
the authentic, feminine, self aware woman God intended me to be.
Keep up the good work, I for one, am one reader whose life you have
touched and improved in a profound way. I could never thank you
enough.
With love, S.
PS: I my Southern and have no qualms whatsoever regarding using the
assets my Mama gave me. lol
Here is Yesterday's Email:
"Bend and Snap, Baby - A Modified Version, If You
Dare!"
Yesterday I shared the wisdom of author Bob Grant
who said that men who seem to be not listening to you ARE in fact
paying close attention to your tone of voice. That is what tells
them what the real message is!
I received so many responses on this, and here is one in particular
from "Angela" who shares a very - very - engaging way of getting a
man's attention!
I hope you're sitting down... this is a good one! Here goes:
"Mimi,
"I wanted to share with other readers how true this is.
"One day I asked my husband if he ever listened to what I
was saying. He said, "Yes, I listen to your tone of voice
and how you are speaking. I know when to respond by that."
"It took me a little while to figure out what he was trying
to say, but I did. And whenever I wanted him to really
listen to me, I would talk a little slower, lower my voice
a little and look directly in his eyes. If he wasn't facing
me, I would place myself in such a way that he would have
to look.
"Sometimes that involved standing in front of him and
stretching my arms up, then lifting my chest to raise
my bosom. The technique never failed and our communication
level soared. Teaching my sister-in-law this helped
her tremendously in dealing with her husband, my
brother. She told me that their communication has
never been better and their relationship is stronger
for it."
-- Angela (not her real name)
Interesting! I wrote back to Angela and asked her to clarify
exactly how this looked.
I also told her that some readers might have her for breakfast with
this notion of raising the bust to get a man's attention... but she
says she can handle it, and frankly, it's all in a day's work...
there's one woman who keeps writing me in all caps, raging on and on
with daily complaints... :)
Here's what she wrote back:
"Hi Mimi,
"[In answer to your question asking for more details on
how the arm raising works,] I would slowly raise my arms
to a little above shoulder level, lower them slowly,
then raise my chest and not look at him. While raising
my chest, I would look slowly up at him then talk. His
eyes would go straight to my chest as I lifted it (he
was an 'assets' man), and as I raised my eyes to him
and said slowly and with a little deeper voice than
normal: 'Honey....' then whatever I wanted to say/ask.
"I do not feel it was extreme at all since men are
very visual. Get his eyes to focus on you, and you
have his attention. It plays to a man's basic instinct.
"Some women may think it is below them and that they
shouldn't have to do it to get their man's attention,
but I've learned that sometimes we have to use the old
skills our mothers and their mothers used. And I've
seen Southern ladies use this technique (without
raising their arms) to excellent results.
"Ever seen the movie 'Legally Blonde'? The 'bend and
snap' technique, while comical, is true. You don't
have to 'snap', just raise your chest when you
stand up. Works every time. I raised my arms in
front of my then-husband because I knew he was a
chest man. There are other techniques for different
parts of a man's focus that a woman can use.
"As women, we are given larger brains and more
sensitivity to emotions (at least most of us...lol).
We are also given the ability to use them to our
advantage. Even for older women, I've found out that
techniques and eye contact work just as well.
"I'm a very independent woman who does all her own
home maintenance, repair and remodeling. I have
my own tool shop and am capable of doing many of
the things men do. I also ride a motorcycle (750
Honda), can do basic maintenance on my car and
am financially self-sufficient.
"Men will state that they want an independent
woman, but they also want a woman who makes
them feel like they are needed at times."
I realize that a lot of people would not even consider trying this
tip, but life is too short and so for
that reason alone, I definitely plan to add it to my arsenal.
Anything that makes a man feel more
attracted to me, within reason, is perfectly all right with me!
So ladies, you may not drop your hankie, but if you ever want to try
it for fun... then consider it a
science experiment for the benefit of humanity, and then try
Angela's final 2 tips.
I think these "tips" will be easy and effective - perhaps VERY
effective - when you try it out.
"Just take a deep breath (with head slightly lowered)
while raising the chest and slowly raise your eyes
and head to look into your guy's eyes. He'll be looking
at the chest but will raise his eyes when you raise
your head. That seems to work, too, and is easier to
describe than my arm technique.
"Or.....
"Just do the 'bend and snap' without the 'bend'. And
don't snap hard, do it slowly and with feeling. Sort of
like Marilyn Monroe would do when she was about
to speak and wanted the man's full attention. Actually,
a lot of those old movies display excellent techniques
that have fallen out of favor."
Angela, this has been a lot of fun. It's okay to give oneself
permission to be a girly girl in at least some areas of your life.
"Legally Blonde" celebrates the girly girl and it's quite refreshing
and fun - and pink! Of course there is nothing sexier than a girly
girl who is smolderingly intelligent!
And please girls, don't throw your back out when you 'snap', okay?
Women, you can use these techniques and modify them and experiment
with them, and name the resulting child born 9 months from this
weekend after "Elle" from "Legally Blonde"... and trust me, I will
not tell anyone. Let's just keep this our little secret.
If you're upset over this, then consider this:
I wonder what a man's reaction would be to this? Do you think he'd
say, "No, I'm totally against you holding your body in an alluring
way, and please don't ever do that again"? The defense rests.
Why am I thinking of that old joke, "If I said you had a beautiful
body, would you hold it against me?"
With love,
Mimi Tanner
Author of "Calling Men - the Complete Guide to Calling
and Emailng the Men You Date" http://CallingMen.com
"With Love, Mimi Tanner" (tm) is Mimi's daily email column, which
debuted in April 2005. "With Love" is one of the most well-loved
columns on relationship topics. Well over 100,000 people are active
subscribers to Mimi's email columns. This column gets forwarded from
friend to friend constantly. Sign up here and talk to you soon!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Thanks for sharing, Mimi. I really DO enjoy, and learn from, your
emails!
